the abomination of yesterday, plus some analysis
| faerienchanting: | nick nearly got arrested today |
| ZombieHick: | oh yeah? |
| faerienchanting: | he was the cause of a show stopping early |
| ZombieHick: | what'd he do this time? |
| faerienchanting: | we went to a show at the all asia in central, to see squall and chestnut's band (faulty conscience) |
| faerienchanting: | it was an afternoon show, starting at 3 |
| faerienchanting: | i guess he had been drinking since 9 |
| faerienchanting: | i ended up meeting him there because he and sloth walked from harvard and drank mad dog the whole way down here |
| faerienchanting: | he wasn't like, obliterated at this point |
| faerienchanting: | he was a bit....obnoxious but only in ways i think i would observe |
| faerienchanting: | so he starts videotaping the bands and being a bit like the most active person there but it doesnt seem TOO apparent that it's problematic or anything- though when i go smoke a cigarette outside, squall tells me nick's apparently irritating some people slightly. i sigh and say it's just getting to almost that point.... |
| faerienchanting: | meanwhile he and sloth go and chug more mad dog in the bathroom |
| faerienchanting: | and then go to the store to get another bottle |
| faerienchanting: | at this point i didnt expect for them to even make it back, but they did |
| faerienchanting: | eventually he's gotten pretty damn drunk but it isn't problematic yet. he and emma and i are outside and they start like, playfighting |
| faerienchanting: | and after a few minutes emma's like okay, let's stop now really before i get actually mad, and i had already sort of yelled at him to behave himself or not do this or that, so to ensure i wouldn't lose it, i go back inside |
| faerienchanting: | not two minutes later, the women at the bar goes up to the bands mic and says, someone just broke the window next door to the salvation army. someone better claim up to it because the show cannot go on. |
| faerienchanting: | in the silence after that i say no, it can't be nick! because i just saw him and i thought there was no way it could have been him |
| faerienchanting: | but i go outside and i see him picking a fight with some other dude and other people, causing a huge scene |
| faerienchanting: | and then the cops are allegedly called and nick tries to run but people end up tackling him down and he's screaming and bleeding from the glass |
| faerienchanting: | and while i was just plain angry at first now i start to get upset watching this and start sobbing because he has an open case and all i think is that he's just going to jail |
| faerienchanting: | and emma and theresa are trying to console me, trying to pull me away because i shouldnt have to see it, they keep assuring me that i don't have to take this shit and that it isn't my problem, blah blah i could do much better, and stuff |
| faerienchanting: | and an ambulance comes because the laceration on his finger won't stop bleeding, meanwhile the stupid bitch from the bar opens the window and says it's my fault that they're closing all together, to which i scream fuck you while trying to stop crying, apparently she later apologized because it wasn't my fault |
| faerienchanting: | the police and paramedics are fighting to get him onto a stretcher while he's shouting and crying and freaking out and i'm trying to stay composed but failing as the entire punk crowd is standing nearby watching and the dude he tried to fight is getting questioned by the cops |
| faerienchanting: | they restrain him and i say i'm going with him in the ambulance to the hospital but he's so drunk he can't hear me and process that, which would hopefully make him calm down |
| faerienchanting: | emma's asking me if i really should go, if it's really a good idea and in retrospect, maybe it wasn't but i had to decide quickly and just went for it |
| faerienchanting: | the cops take my information since i'm his girlfriend, the one responsible for him, and get his information from me as well. then i have to sit shotgun in the ambulance while i turn behind me to hear nick screaming and crying and fighting the restraints |
| faerienchanting: | we get to the e.r. and i am told to wait a couple minutes while they situate him, they put him in leg and arm restraints and even put a mask over his mouth he kept fighting off because he kept spitting |
| faerienchanting: | and then i'm in there with him trying to calm him down but he kept begging me to undo his restraints, which i said i couldn't do because i didn't have the key and it wouldnt be a good idea |
| faerienchanting: | i told him he wouldn't even be able to make it two feet and it would make his predicament that much worse |
| faerienchanting: | i kept telling him to calm the fuck down and cooperate but he wouldn't stop fighting me |
| ZombieHick: | that is quite the drunk tantrum, mhmm |
| faerienchanting: | like i understand he was probably terrified and confused and angry being restrained, i can only guess how alarming that may have been, but holy shit was he making it worse for himself |
| faerienchanting: | i kept reassuring him that he was only getting brought to court and asked to pay for the damage of the window, and that he should be lucky to be getting off that easy |
| faerienchanting: | and that he'd get out in a few hours, and sooner if he cooperated. but he wouldn't hear me and just begged me to undo his restraints |
| faerienchanting: | and then he accused me of ruining his life because he was convinced they'd lock him in a psych ward again for the rest of eternity and that we'd never be able to see eachother again |
| faerienchanting: | "you don't even know how much you're fucking up by not helping me. you say you want to help me, how could you do this to me?!" he kept saying |
| faerienchanting: | that and, "i tried talking to you.." which is like his go-to belligerent phrase to somehow justify things, or something |
| faerienchanting: | i almost walked out on his countless times, because i didn't need to be treated like that. he kept telling me to go fuck myself and rot in hell because i wouldn't help him out |
| faerienchanting: | i talked to the cops and the doctors and filled them in on what happened and they said he'd be in there a few hours to sleep it off |
| faerienchanting: | they had to inject thorazine, i htink its called? in his leg |
| ZombieHick: | yea that knocks you out |
| faerienchanting: | i can't get over how scarring it was to watch him fight and scream and cry and plead to be released |
| faerienchanting: | they said it takes about 20-30 minutes for it to kick in, and i swear it was the longest time of my life. our conversation went in circles of him pleading and accusing me of fucking up his life and me saying that i wanted to help him but i couldn't get him out of there, and even if i couldn't he wouldn't make it because he's so drunk he can't walk and his thorazine would kick in and he'd be screwed |
| faerienchanting: | he keeps saying his arm hurts because they have one above his head and one by his side, so i go out to the doctors and ask if there's a way they can move it even though his comfort is not their concern. |
| faerienchanting: | the nurse tells me they rotate the positioning every few hours and the minute i go back in there he's passed out. |
| faerienchanting: | i think he was fighting the effects by screaming at me and begging me, so the moment i left he was knocked out |
| faerienchanting: | they said they had to take a cat-scan and a urine test and that i should just come back in a few hours |
| faerienchanting: | so i left |
| faerienchanting: | i called kittie to let he know what was up since he sleeps there, and she'd already been informed a bunch of times by people who weren't even there, and she said she and dwight were going to pick him up after the cat-scan was done |
| faerienchanting: | i was a bit relieved, i mean i wanted to make sure he was okay but i was so fucking drained i almost couldn't bear to see him after |
| faerienchanting: | i was on my way home a little while ago and i run into them on the bus, she said they went to go pick him up, it was like midnight, and that the doctors said he was at the bus stop already. they go to the bus stop, and he's gone. |
| faerienchanting: | so now he's wandering somewhere, lost, doing fuck knows what |
| ZombieHick: | i see |
| faerienchanting: | yeah. i'm so fucking scarred and appalled |
| faerienchanting: | he embarassed me in front of friends and people i've known for years, causing a scene like that |
| faerienchanting: | he's lucky he isn't in jail |
| faerienchanting: | though, and i hate to even admit this, part of me thinks he should have ended up there. he needs to take responsibility for his actions and face the consequences of such careless behavior. |
| ZombieHick: | your not wrong. that was an incredible act of childishness |
| faerienchanting: | like how dare he, drink so irresponsibly IN PUBLIC with an open court case? |
| faerienchanting: | that's just straight up idiotic |
| ZombieHick: | if you hadn't noticed before, he and the rest of them. all they do is live for dumb ass shit like that, and once it's done think it was great |
| faerienchanting: | and with NO regard for me, no respect for me. when he gets that drunk he has not a fucking clue what is going on. he can't listen, he can't understand, and he just wants to pick a fight. |
| faerienchanting: | and i know chestnut and swagger and squall were all supportive of me, before i got into the ambulance they hugged me and i apologized and they truly cared |
| faerienchanting: | but i still feel responsible for him because i brought him |
| faerienchanting: | and as swagger said, the one golden rule for shows is "don't start shit" |
| faerienchanting: | and what did he do? exactly that and close down the fucking show |
| faerienchanting: | i was really enjoying the band that was on, they were punk but had some metal influences, they were called cutthroat society, and i was really eager to see faulty conscience again. i havent seen chestnut and squall play in a while. |
| faerienchanting: | so i don't even know what to think anymore |
| faerienchanting: | the most annoying part about this is that i do actually have feelings for him |
| ZombieHick: | well i do hope that you will realize that logic is where to go to |
| faerienchanting: | what? |
| faerienchanting: | you mean like, i should use logic in this instance? that was just weirdly worded |
| ZombieHick: | i meant in all instances really |
| ZombieHick: | going on free thought rather then logic is how bad things happen, and usually continue |
| faerienchanting: | yeah |
| ZombieHick: | and you have a knack for staying around places you should have walked away from |
| faerienchanting: | i don't know, emma was pointing out all the similarities between nick and steve which really messed with my head. she kept insisting that i've done this before and that i don't have to keep doing this. |
| faerienchanting: | that's for damn sure |
| ZombieHick: | you need to focus on what makes YOU happy- what makes anyone else happy really just is not important |
| faerienchanting: | he does make me happy.....when he isn't SHITFACED. i've just seen the belligerent, problematic, drunken asshole come out way more often lately than it should |
| ZombieHick: | and that is exactly where you need to apply logic rather than feelings |
| faerienchanting: | i'm going to have to see what happens in the next few days. |
| ZombieHick: | you need to ask yourself, is that ever actually going to stop? |
| faerienchanting: | LOGICALLY he should bend over backwards in apologies to me |
| faerienchanting: | whenever he comes to he better be busting his ass to try and fix this |
| ZombieHick: | but again that is the same exact situation, babe |
| ZombieHick: | and the same question you should ask yourself |
| ZombieHick: | will That ever stop/. |
| faerienchanting: | but i will have to gauge the next few days, i'm sure i should just say fuck it, it's over but i may say something like you need to cut back on you drinking because a monster emerges that i cannot tolerate |
| ZombieHick: | or will it always just be periodic bullshit, followed by a river of i'm sorry |
| faerienchanting: | you're right |
| faerienchanting: | and i mean if i say something like that, he will either say he can't cut back and therefore it will be over, or he will attempt to sober up which anyone can say won't happen, and he will fuck up again and i will say sorry, NOW it's over, i gave you a second chance. |
| faerienchanting: | i had NO idea what i was getting myself into by agreeing to this relationship |
| faerienchanting: | though i would like to point out, i blatantly protested making things official because sure, i liked us casually being whatever but i was attempting to stick my the mental rule i gave myself after chris- no more homeless or jobless or completely non-motivated boyfriends. |
| faerienchanting: | and he said it was unfair to bring past bullshit into a new situation, and finally i gave in and said he better prove me wrong. |
| faerienchanting: | i am now reminded EXACTLY why i did not want a goddamn relationship with him |
| faerienchanting: | i've been here, so many times but for some reason this feels like a whole new level |
| ZombieHick: | it is |
| faerienchanting: | in the past i have NEVER had to go in an ambulance with my significant other, never have they humiliated me in front of a large group of friends and acquaintances, and closed down an event all on his behalf |
| faerienchanting: | i just feel like this relationship has been nothing but a win-win for him, but one that i get nothing out of |
| faerienchanting: | or, little out of |
| ZombieHick: | that is what it has seemed from my end when you have moments like this and need to talk |
| faerienchanting: | i mean previously things had ironed themselves out, because he was a drunken asshole to me last weekend and was blacked out |
| faerienchanting: | kittie and dwight filled him in pretty well the next day because he was extremely apologetic and fully understood the level of his assholeishness |
| faerienchanting: | i was a bit hesitant, but things got interesting once i started drinking |
| faerienchanting: | this was on monday night, we celebrated his birthday |
| faerienchanting: | i drank at my usual pace obviously, and blacked out because my tolerance is all weird |
| faerienchanting: | apparently i spent the night getting my pent up aggression out, kicking him in the face and smacking him |
| ZombieHick: | yeah, you told me about that |
| faerienchanting: | he blocked most of them but for the entire time i wouldn't stop shouting obscenities at him |
| faerienchanting: | so yeah, after that night we called ourselves even |
| faerienchanting: | and we even talked like damn, maybe this is why we work. because we keep things interesting for eachother and always make up/even out |
| faerienchanting: | which is no logic i've ever experienced in a relationship before but it was kind of intriguing |
| ZombieHick: | and how is this one going to even out? |
| faerienchanting: | but this is crossing the line. this is unacceptable and unbelievable |
| faerienchanting: | not one of those things we can just even out |
| faerienchanting: | and all these times we have issues, 90% of those times are him being too drunk, and being an asshole to me. probably not on purpose but still... |
| ZombieHick: | that is a problem in itself that shouldn't even be one |
| ZombieHick: | rather then focus on the "reasons" you should ignore them, and focus on the what that is happening |
| ZombieHick: | because ultimatly the reasons don't matter |
| ZombieHick: | it is not Why it is going on, it is THAT it is going on |
| faerienchanting: | and logically, a normal, concerned boyfriend would look at the past events and whatnot and say hmm, this isn't working out. i better get my act together. |
| faerienchanting: | right? |
| faerienchanting: | shit, he's LUCKY i am so goddamn fucking tolerant. |
| ZombieHick: | he really is, and if you look back you will notice a pattern, of your idiot men taking complete advantage of your tolerance |
| faerienchanting: | he probably takes advantage of that, or banks on it. no person would take the shit that i do. i just don't put my foot down about anything. emma was saying all of this to me and that it should be reasonable for me to say, you have to control your drinking or it's over, simply BECAUSE i am pretty fucking lax about most things the average person would not be comfortable/okay with |
| faerienchanting: | if he begs me or pleads to give him another chance and that he will straighten out, he knows i will agree. i'm such a fucking pushover, shit. |
| ZombieHick: | you dragged yourself through an ocean of bullshit with steve, and i honestly think that emma somehow isn't wrong and you're just doing the same game with him |
| faerienchanting: | nick just doesn't LISTEN to me. thats why i'm saying it wouldn't surprise me if he is mildly retarded. |
| faerienchanting: | i'm just stuck in this rut of bullshit. chris was a breath of fresh air but that had it's own slew of problems, which connected back to everyone i've ever dated. |
| faerienchanting: | like nick had a $100 check from his birthday he got the other day. i was just joking and said he should take me out, and when i said i was kidding he insisted i was only half-kidding. either way, he ended up spending nearly ALL of it that night at kittie's because i guess a lot of people came over and he funded the vast majority of the night |
| faerienchanting: | he had $20 this morning left, and it's like really? you spent it all in one night? you're a fucking retard. he at least payed me the $10 he owed me. but he couldn't have saved some of it, or given me a bit more for everything i do for him? i dont expect a date, god fucking forbid, but at least some slight acknowledgment. |
| faerienchanting: | frustratingly, if i were drinking these days he'd spend it on a bottle to share together, but that's probably it. |
| ZombieHick: | with nick, he may not want you to look to your past because bla bla wasnt him. but that is exactly where he is wrong |
| ZombieHick: | problem after problem, is just what i said- doomed |
| faerienchanting: | yeah |
| faerienchanting: | and this is not looking very....promising |
| faerienchanting: | i just appreciate that i can talk to you about these things...right now the only one who knows the full picture is my therapist and even she doesn't know everything |
| ZombieHick: | well i have been almost like a shrink for you since we started talking on a regular basis |
| faerienchanting: | mhmm and i am so thankful |
| faerienchanting: | obviously i've needed it |
| faerienchanting: | aw jeeze, nick's even used that "love" word a few times when he's been shitty ass drunk |
| faerienchanting: | i think he may not know what the word means but i also bet he means it |
| faerienchanting: | i mean i hate to sound snobby or self-important but how couldn't he? i do nothing but treat him the best, i drink with him, i take him home sometimes, i give him train fare even though he doesn't want me to, i fuck him, i make him food.... |
| ZombieHick: | egh i don't think you sound odd saying so |
| faerienchanting: | so i make people fall in love with me? because i am so laid back and easy-going? |
| ZombieHick: | you don't make people. you're an easy person to fall for because your great and then the bonus of being beautiful, a nice littler package i must say |
| faerienchanting: | oh god, stop! |
| faerienchanting: | i can't help being wrapped up in other people's feelings |
| faerienchanting: | like not wanting to hurt nick is no reason to stay with him but i'm already sad thinking about what i'm about to put him through |
| faerienchanting: | i know it shouldn't be this way |
| faerienchanting: | its just hard to shake |
| faerienchanting: | i know i need to take control for my own happiness |
| faerienchanting: | but i care about others too much |
| faerienchanting: | god, i suck |
| faerienchanting: | ugh i need to go to sleep i feel like shit and i'm just so upset, exhausted, and angry :/ |
blah
i am about to post the conversation i had with a close friend of mine,
also my ex,
larry
from last night
explaining the bullshit of yesterday
An old friend revisited (via ((IANB)))
In 1774 a deserted ship of an uncouth form was discovered in the arctic region strangely encumbered with ice and snow. … The discoverer was the captain of a Greenland whaling-vessel named Warrens, who, on boarding her, found in one of the cabins … the corpse of a man perfectly preserved by the frost, with the exception of a slight greenish mould which appeared about the eyes and on the forehead. The body was seated in a chair and leaning back, a pen was still in its right hand, and before it was the open logbook, in which the dead man had been writing when he ceased to breathe. The last complete sentence of the unfinished entry ran as follows:—
‘November 11th, 1762. We have now been enclosed in the ice seventeen days. The fire went out yesterday, and our master has been trying ever since to kindle it again, but without success. His wife died this morning. There is no relief.’
… Captain Warrens and his men retired in solemn silence, and on entering the principal cabin found on a bed the dead body of a woman, with all the freshness of seeming life in her attitude and expression; and seated on the floor, holding in his hands the flint and steel, which he seemed to be in the act of striking, the corpse of a young man. Neither provision nor fuel could be anywhere discovered. —The World of Wonders, 1883
(via Futility Closet)
i love it.
bad habits, nervous habits
constantly fidgeting
i, tooi can never sit still. i crack my knuckles, bite my nails. peel the skin off of my lip, jiggle my feet up and down until the floor shakes. i twirl my hair, tug bits of it around my fingers and yank. i am a shirt-tugger, a pants-smoother, a scab-picker. all of this is unfortunate. i am always tearing bits of myself away. i think my discomfort in myself conveys itself, maybe sets other people off. at night when i am not dreaming of zombie infestations sometimes i have a persistent fantasy in which i exist but do not exist: a consciousness without a body. it’s all basically about skin, fat, bones, bodies. onward, upward.
constantly fidgeting
a very valid question, in all seriousnessToday, I was searching the amount of calories in a taco. I typed in Google search, “If I ate” but before I could finish “If I ate myself, would I be twice as big or disappear completely?” popped up. My original question didn’t seem quite as important anymore. MLIA
i think about things like this all the time-(via teenagejesus)
everytime i start a sentence with “i” it’s another self-important statement
when you think about it,
most things we say are pompous
